Losing a loved one to substance abuse-A loss like no other

By Deme Warner, LGSW
Social Worker

The sibling bond is special and undeniable. Siblings are the people who teach us lifelong lessons that other relationships and friendships do not. They are the ones who watch you manage through your awkward teenage years and only occasionally laugh at your expense. The fun times in the backyard become core memories that carry you through the hard times ahead. In many sibling relationships, you can go from wanting nothing to do with one another, to then spending every moment together.

I was fortunate enough to grow up with an older brother who always had my back. My brother, Mikey, was five years older than me and being a typical annoying little sister, I never wanted to leave him alone. Mikey never met a stranger and could hold a conversation with anyone. He had a quick wit with a wicked sense of humor. His laugh soared through the room and you could not help but share in his joy. He loved his family and friends immensely and felt his emotions very deeply. He always has been and always will be someone I greatly admire.

As time went on, I watched this person I loved and idolized throughout my life turn into someone I did not recognize. I would get glimpses of the person I once knew, but only for a moments time. Mikey did not ask to become an addict and my family did not choose to watch the person they love become engulfed by addiction. Following a car accident, Mikey struggled with substance abuse for years and unfortunately, lost his battle due to an overdose Nov. 10, 2018.

Substance abuse is devastating and can be difficult to imagine if you have not personally experienced it within your family, friends or community. A substance abuse related death brings a complexity of emotions and feelings in that it can feel like the death was somehow preventable. In the days, weeks and even months after losing Mikey, there were times that my emotions felt so overwhelming I was unsure if I could feel anything else besides my grief. Understanding the disease of addiction can aide in identifying misplaced feelings, such as, guilt, shame, anger, or even relief.

During my personal grieving journey, I have experienced all of these feelings individually, and sometimes, all at once. I have analyzed every aspect of my relationship with Mikey and how it has changed in every phase of our lives. I often found myself asking the same questions: Did I do enough? Is there something I could have done differently? There was always an anticipation that I would receive the dreaded phone call that Mikey had overdosed, but when I did get that call, I found myself in disbelief. I instantly wondered if he was scared or knew what was happening when he died. I just wanted to comfort him, but that was no longer an option.

It’s easy to slide into a negative headspace and leave your head spinning. As much as I try to think of the hopeful moments; the bouts of sobriety he was able to achieve on his own and how badly my family hoped this time would stick, there are still so many complicated emotions that come with grieving his loss.

I still feel my anger rise thinking how he survived previous overdoses and was allowed a second chance, but that unfortunately this time was different. That just a few days earlier we were celebrating my birthday and enjoying our favorite meal together. Watching the stress my parents were under and how I worried that I would lose them too if they continued living with this level of stress. The sadness I feel facing the reality that I am now an only child and no longer have my older brother guiding me through life. The gut-wrenching truth that his daughter has to grow up without a father and his wife has to navigate unexpectedly becoming a single mother.

And a feeling I never expected to feel; relief. Relief that he is finally at peace and no longer has to battle this hard disease every day. Every feeling experienced is valid and there is no one right way to grieve a substance abuse related death.

Growing up, I never imagined life without my brother. The pain is less raw as the years march on, but it is still there and Mikey’s absence is felt in every aspect of my life. I will always mourn what could have been.

Unfortunately, I know from firsthand experience that losing your loved one to a substance abuse-related death still comes with societal stigmas. I’ve heard the comments, I’ve seen the judgment on people’s faces and I’ve felt the discomfort others experience when I tell them how I lost Mikey. The way your loved one died does not define who they are and does not take away that they were a cherished person in your life. Their life and your loss deserves to be mourned.

Grieving this particular type of loss can be a lonely journey, but it does not have to be. Focus on the people supporting you. The ones who can sit with you in silence or be your shoulder to cry on. The ones who provide you the space to share how much you love and deeply miss your loved one.

You deserve to openly share your feelings in loving and losing someone to substance abuse. You deserve to openly share your memories of your loved one. You deserve to talk about how they struggled and how they died, without fear of judgment. I am not ashamed to share my brother’s story, as it has become a part of my story, too. Even if sharing my story helps one person, that makes it worth it. You are not alone and you do not have to grieve alone. Take the first step and surround yourself with a nonjudgmental support system that the “Gone Too Soon” group is offering at Hospice of the Panhandle.

This 6-week group is for those who have experienced the death of a loved one from overdose or long term substance abuse. The loss may have occurred recently or several years ago. In addition to the more universal symptoms of grief, those surviving an overdose loss have unique challenges. This group will allow you to share your story, connect with others, explore your feelings, develop coping strategies and discover new ways to remember your loved one. The support group begins on Thursday, April 7 from 1-2:30 p.m. and lasts for six successive Thursdays. For more information on “Gone Too Soon” or to register, call (304) 264-0406. No insurance is needed, there is no co-pay and no cost for the support group.

Deme Warner is a licensed graduate social worker at the Inpatient Unit of Hospice of the Panhandle. She has worked for Hospice for four years.

Losing a loved one to substance abuse–A loss like no other