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Q
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Why do I feel this way? |
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A
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The death of someone close to us can be a terrible, emotional experience. The grief we feel is a normal, natural and necessary reaction to that trauma. |
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Q
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Am I “going crazy”? |
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Our grief can cause feelings of panic, desperation, anger, great sadness and guilt. We might be confused, forgetful and not able to make decisions. We might feel helpless, hopeless and out of control. This can be very frightening, but it is not “going crazy”. These can be typical grief reactions which will gradually begin to go away. |
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Q
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Why am I so angry? |
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Anger comes from hurt, and the death of someone we love hurts us. We might be angry at health care professionals, other family members, the person who died, or God. On top of that we can be angry at ourselves. It can be a difficult thing for us to feel angry or to admit it, but it is just a phase of grief which will pass on. |
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Q
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What do I do about this guilt I feel? |
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When someone dies we might feel guilt. This can involve feeling responsible for the death in some way or for past conflict in the relationship. If so, it might be good to find someone we trust with whom to talk about it. More often, though we feel regret, which is different from guilt. Guilt is when I blame myself for something bad that happened. Regret is when I feel bad that something happened but I realize it wasn't my fault. |
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Q
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I feel “fine”. Is there something wrong with me? |
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Grief is very personal. There’s no timetable for it. It can come and go. You might have already grieved a lot. Or your mind might be “taking a rest” from the grief, or putting it “on hold” for awhile. It could be an indication that you’re moving into a different phase of grief. There will be good days and bad days, and as time goes on...more good ones than bad ones. |
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Q
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I have a strong religious faith so I shouldn't be grieving, should I? |
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All of the world’s major religions accept that grief is a part of human nature. Both Jewish and Christian scriptures are full of stories of devout people in grief. A noted Christian theologian once said that when his son was killed in a car accident, “God’s heart was the first to break”. |
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Q
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How can I “let go” of the person when I don’t want to? |
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Perhaps there’s no need to. When a death occurs the relationship changes, but it doesn’t necessarily end. What we do have to adjust to is the loss of the physical presence of the person and all that it meant to us. And, in time, we must learn to re-engage emotionally with others. Other than that the deceased person is still a part of us. What we “let go” of is the pain we feel at their absence. |
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Q
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If I stop grieving for someone, doesn’t that mean I have forgotten them or that I don’t love them anymore? |
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Long after the worst part of our grief ends, we will still have memories of the person and love for them. In a way, the “end” of our grief simply means that we are once again able to freely love the person since we are no longer consumed by our personal sorrow, confusion and anguish. |
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Q
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Why do I still feel this way? Is it ever going to end? |
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Yes. The grief you’re feeling now can end. The term “mourning” refers to the process of coming to terms with the death, the absence of the deceased, and one’s grief. Like any process, it takes time. There are no timetables for grief and it will not end in one dramatic moment. It simply will disappear little by little. |
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Q
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What do I have to do to “get better”? |
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Grief is so personal. What is helpful for one person might not be for another. However, some things that can help are: being patient with one’s self - knowing that it will take time, being aware of one’s feelings and learning to express them in some way, finding someone to talk to, and getting information about grief. |
